I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
