Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
im calling her cock vulture from now on
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
