did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
