I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
