i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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