five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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