He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
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There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
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Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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