I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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