Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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