if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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