Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
ok first of all what the fuck
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
