he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize