I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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