I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
