after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
