So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
