Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
