so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
