I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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