the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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