A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
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I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
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We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?