well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
