Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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