I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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