two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
