You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
And my parents said I crawled through the house
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
