ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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