When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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