I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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