god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It was confusing and full of hummus
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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