I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
