God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
