Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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