Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
