i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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