Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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