So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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