btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
