Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
