My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
