Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
