roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
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