I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
