Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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