Im at strip club and am horny
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
