dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
