Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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