Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
