it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
