Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
