Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
