I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
