I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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