I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
